Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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