The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
