i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
