Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Enjoy the penises
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize