I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is Oprah even human
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
