I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
