I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
