I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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