So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
