Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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