He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
