Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
