and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
