she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
