I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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