I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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