No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
