I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
do herpes really smell.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
