she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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