Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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