my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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