I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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