Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just had sex on a roof
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
