the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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