Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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