So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
