cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize