I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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