he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I look better un-naked...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
