seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
