his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
