How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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