You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize