I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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