God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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