You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
