I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
