I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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