Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
