I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize