I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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