The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
