"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
