How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
