I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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