Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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