I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
