I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize