i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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