I'm so fucking centered right now
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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