Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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