Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
