First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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