I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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