Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
