All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
