GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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