my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
