Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
