I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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