I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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