I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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