she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
