It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
